family story

Telling a family story is tough for me -- probably because I don't have much of a family to glean a story from. Just giving an overview of my family background is story enough.

My Mom had me when she was not quite 18, divorced my biological father when I was two (I didn't meet him again until I was 36), and remarried my stepfather (who I call Dad) soon after. I didn't really know my Mom's family because her mother died when she was ten, her Dad mentally checked out because of the death, and my Mom was pretty much on her own, occasionally defending herself from her physically abusive, older brother (apparently my uncle). She told me about a time when he was beating her up and chased her into the kitchen. She opened the freezer, grabbed a frozen roast, and threw it at his face -- sending him running into the bathroom to check the damage. Meanwhile, my mother stuck a butcher knife in the crack of the closed door, in the hopes that it would fall on his foot when he opened the door again. These events went on regularly for her. I recall a period of about 10 years when her Dad (apparently my Grandpa) completely stopped speaking to her for no apparent reason, and my mother would cry about it often. Her Dad did remarry, and I ended up having a half-cousin and three step-cousins, but eventually that marriage ended in divorce and I don't know anything about them.

On my Dad's (techinally step-dad's) side, he was also a step-child because his biological father walked out on them before my Dad can remember. My Dad's mother, Melda, remarried an awful man named Ray (apparently my Grandfather), and had two other children (Little Ray and Tammy) with him. Ray always called my father a stepson and literally called him the black sheep of the family. He was an alcoholic, and once chased my Dad with a butcher knife (does anyone see a motif?) out into the snow of WV. My Dad was only wearing boxer shorts and had to run to another person's house for safety. Since Ray was also a politician, he would make my Dad go buy his alcohol and pick up local hookers so as not to be implicated in any wrongdoing. My Dad ended up joining the military when he was 17 to escape the physical, verbal and emotional abuse from Ray. My Dad still wanted to visit with his mother, so I had occasion to spend the obligitory family time with all of them, but as an adult I decided I was no longer obligated to keep in touch with them. I figure after a life of us being introduced as the step-grandchildren, I don't owe them anything.

To top that all off, my parents divorced after 26 years of marriage, thereby continuing the damaging cycle of divorce in our family.

Whew! After reading about family ground rules in BSKC, I can definitely agree with the author's claim that "we learn about the idea of family and how to be a member of a family from our families" (17). I've been married to Randy for almost 20 years, and we've got three precious daughters (18, 16, & 8). Time and time again, Randy and I have vowed to each other that we will be better grandparents than what we each had (yep...my husband has a dysfunctional history, too!), and try to build a foundation for our children's children that is reliable and filled with lots of love and traditions. According to the author of BSKC, "family stories, ... for good or ill, delineate the rules and mores that govern family life..." (31). I wholeheartedly agree. No matter how negative my family's history is, I can learn from it and do my best to create a positive history for my own, immediate family to look back happily upon.